A recent issue of The New Yorker includes Anna Russell’s article “Why So Many People are Going ‘No Contact’ with their parents.” Although it is a long read, it covers estrangement from the perspective of both sides.
Whether or not you are estranged from your parents, chances are that the level of contact you have with your parents is not the level that they want to have with you. That balance seldom is 50/50. Sorry, but that's how it often is.
You might be considering how much contact you want to have with your parents because current interactions leave you feeling very upset. On the other hand, you might be trying to improve your relationship years after having decided to stop talking to each other. In both cases, expect your stress levels to rise a bit, as you play out the scenarios. Generally, it’s reasonable to expect that your level of insight is going to be greater than your parents, simply due to generational differences. You may need to be ready to explain your approach, as they may not be able to process it as easily as you.
As Russell shares, you will find that there are online groups readily available to provide you advice and support. A challenge to connecting with these groups is that they sometimes have a preference in terms of how much contact to have. This preference is not always stated directly. As a result, you may find that the advice you are getting is pushing you in a particular direction, rather than leaving it up to you to decide what is best for your unique circumstances. Overall, these groups can be very helpful as a form of support.
You also likely need to expect that your parents will want to reach out to you, even after you’ve gone into full no contact mode. Anticipating these moments can make it easier, by preparing what you might say or do, and knowing what friends and loved ones you can lean on in those moments. Hopefully, it’s not the type of situation where you have your parent incessantly knocking on your door (or texting or calling or writing). Most people feel a mixture of feelings from reinforcing these boundaries: regret, guilt, relief, strength.
Estrangement, like ghosting and cancel culture, taps into the broader cultural trend where cutting ties has become a way to assert boundaries or protect yourself from emotional mayhem. However, deciding to go “no contact” with a parent is rarely as simple as blocking a number or avoiding awkward Thanksgiving dinners. It’s complicated, to say the least (but not overly complicated).
That’s why it’s usually key to remember that these decisions aren’t carved in stone. You’re allowed to hit pause, set boundaries, and revisit things later—estrangement doesn’t have to be forever, even if right now it feels like a relief (or a necessary act of self-preservation). Maybe someday you'll feel ready to pick up that awkward conversation again, or maybe not. But either way, it’s your call.
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